She — Dating and Deliberate Practice
She gazed at him with tender eyes before looking at the floor again. Illuminated by candle light, her cheeks glowed a faint red, accentuated by the small shimmery patch of pink blush. She peeked back up at him and gave a cheeky grin that matched his spellbound look — his mouth slightly open, revealing the ends of his teeth and his eyes fixated on her every move — he was mesmerised by her.
On the surface she seemed like the master of seduction. She knew how to captivate and intrigue her story listeners, but she wasn’t born with perfect charisma and, she was well dressed and groomed, but she wasn’t born with a flair for style.
She didn’t google, ‘How to be a great story teller’ (although, that isn’t a bad place to start — more later), she instead, listened to story tellers whose style she admired and whose wit she found amusing. She tried to emulate and understand when they would take a breath and pause for effect; when they would drop their voice by an octave to build suspense; or when to slow down their pace and whisper to draw their listener in.
She would tell stories to her friends and acquaintances to see which rhythms and patterns had the most effect and which didn’t. She would note when her friends leaned in or when they would frown in disbelief — she learned the signs. With enough practice, she developed her own style of story telling.
Who is she? She is anyone who has understood and applied the principles of deliberate practice.
Deliberate practice means going beyond one’s comfort zone to push and shape ability through regimented, monitored and focused practice. The methods of deliberate practice can be applied to almost any skill, and with enough time anyone can reach expert level — these lesson have been spelled out by neuropsychologist, and the rightful father of deliberate practice, Anders Ericsson.
Consider a pianist applying these principles, this means not playing the same song over and over again, but rather focusing on specific aspects such as finger movements, sight reading, or increasing tempo. Over time the brain modifies, for instance, sight reading becomes easier because the player has an increased ability to recognise patterns and interpret the manuscript without having to read every single note. For each specific skill that is practiced and the pianist is pushed beyond their current ability, the better piano player they will be.
Ericsson and Robert Pool, lists and describes these traits in their book Peak: How all of us can achieve extraordinary things, these include:
1. “… Effective training techniques have been established. The practice regimen should be designed and overseen by a teacher or a coach…”
2. “Deliberate practice takes place outside one’s comfort zone and requires a student to constantly try new things that are just beyond his or her current abilities…”
3. “Deliberate practice involves well-defined, specific goals and often involves improving some aspect of the target performance; it is not aimed at some vague overall improvement…”
4. “Deliberate practice is deliberate, that is, it requires a person’s full attention and conscious actions. It isn’t enough to simply follow a teacher’s or coach’s directions. The student must concentrate on the specific goal for his or her practice activity so that adjustments can be made to control practice.”
5. “Deliberate practice involves feedback and modification of efforts in response to that feedback…”
6. Deliberate practice improves one’s understanding of the field, allowing the student to monitor their own practice and performance.
7. “Deliberate practice nearly always involves building or modifying previously acquired skills by focusing on particular aspects of those skills and working to improve them specifically; over time this step-by-step improvement will eventually lead to expert performance. Because of the way that new skills are built on top of exisiting skills, it is important for teachers to provide beginners with the correct fundamental skills in order to maximise the chances that the student will have to relearn those fundamental skills later when at a more advanced level.”
Using these principles anyone can shape their ability and master almost any skill, at almost any age. As Ericsson also makes clear, it is not always possible to find an expert in the field to teach us exclusively, but we can still learn from their stories and training techniques and apply them to our own advancement.
Consider again she, she didn’t attract more men by going on more dates. Instead, she practiced specific skills such as story telling, how to be a better conversationalist, how to create personal style or improving communication through body language. Furthermore, as Ericsson pointed out, deliberate practice focuses on skill rather than knowledge. Therefore, simply googling ‘How to…’ isn’t always helpful as it can give you facts, and not always how to implement them.
For anyone who had had a crush has probably encountered the same advice: ‘Play hard to get,’ ‘Ask a lot of questions’ and, the most common of them all, ‘Be yourself.’ We’ve all been given this advice, although, How do you apply it? Like any skill, deliberate practice! As Ericsson said, to become an expert or top performer, you need a teacher or a coach — someone who can teach you the necessary skills. Not every person needs a dating coach, for some, experience and observation have been enough.
For others, presenting Matthew Hussey: Dating coach and love expert.
Matthew Hussey began his career coaching men on how to attract women, and after two years understanding men, he now focuses his attention on helping women. He published a New York Times best seller Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve. His youtube channel boasts over 1.6 million subscribers giving weekly videos that teach women how to attract men, be more confident and general life advice. https://www.youtube.com/user/gettheguyteam
His credentials list continues and more can be found on his website: https://www.howtogettheguy.com/
There are two main reasons behind Hussey’s success: First, in his ability to connect with his audience, and second, in the advice he gives.
In 2013, Hussey began a segment called ‘LOVE Life’ on iHeart Radio, he answers questions from women who call in with their own stories and problems, and seek answers from the guru. Hussey has the ability to answer these questions with reason, poise and conviction. His articulated arguments combined with logical advice gives comfort and clarity to his listeners. He connects with them. And, he is prepared — both in the advice he gives and in his delivery. He has learnt the skills. Listen to this interview:
Stephen Hussey (Hussey’s brother) in an article detailing how to make an impact in the first five minutes, discusses how Matthew’s success lies in his capabilities:
“The real asset is this ability to create impact with people, to be able to sell, influence, communicate, and control the dynamic of any interaction.”
Furthermore, Stephen acknowledges that Matthew has had to learn and practice these skills, particularly, because he used to be shy. It didn’t always come naturally to him, although it may appear so.
The other reason the Matthew Hussey program is successful is because it gives women the chance to learn skills, not just be given anecdotes and randomly string knowledge together. He gives step-by-step guides and encourages his followers to apply deliberate practice into their dating lives.
He aims at making women be a confident, more sexy version of themselves.
For instance, he gives a texting guide with exact lines to say in different scenarios — all one has to do is copy-and-paste them. Within each texting scenario he explains how, why and when to use the line — this allows the user to learn and build on what he has provided, thus, developing effective texting skills. Furthermore, another reason this works is that the user gets (almost) immediate feedback — it follows the principles listed above.
Consider one of compliments Hussey recommends to give to a man, and his justification for it:
“I Feel Really Safe Around You”
Who to use it on?
A guy with whom you’re intimate or currently dating.
Staying on the theme of masculinity, guys like to be protective.
He’s probably been watching Kung Fu and superhero movies all his life, and in his wildest fantasies, he imagines himself single-handedly dispatching of an onslaught of fifty ninjas just to save the woman he loves and have her swooning in his arms. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you need to act like a helpless damsel in distress, or walk around clung to him as though his enormous manly frame is the only thing holding you on two feet. Just say it sweetly when he hugs you, or when your head is on his chest. The beauty of saying this line to a guy is that it’s going to make him want to be more of the kind of man who keeps you safe, so the compliment will only make him strive to take care of you better!
There are many more compliments and other guides his audience can find. He reminds them to have fun and not to take dating too seriously. But remember, she was not born with innate talent for seduction, rather, deliberately practiced various skills, and her success lies is that she made is look natural and unrehearsed.
Hussey has had to learn to be articulate and speak with languid elegance to his audience, he has applied the principals of deliberate practice to create a success story that gives women the tools for themselves. He preaches what he has practiced.
Finally, in one of Hussey’s videos on the art of body language, one tip he gives women is how to be coy: smile, tilt your head down left or right and peak back at him — just as she did, or as she learnt.